I've let my nails grow out really long and kept them pretty well shaped and well manicured lately. While longer nails are a bitch and a half to keep up, I like the way they look and the way they make me feel. They are beautiful, and they make a delightful little ticking noise as I type. They have not been breaking lately because I finally kept promises to myself to take my vitamins. I bought these awesome hair and nail vitamins, and after five weeks they are definitely kicking in. So there you have it, vitamins are a sequin, and they feed the long, manicured nail sequin.
I've also been sharing my work and ideas a lot more freely lately, and I have been overwhelmingly surprised by the friends and family who have responded to my work. This is a huge feat for me, a great feeling, sharing ideas and receiving a response. As an artist (and I do, shamelessly, call myself an artist), knowing that someone reads my writing or views my blog(s) (as you are now) is tremendously touching for me. Sometimes I feel like my shit will just stay on the pages of my notebooks forever, and without your support, Bleaders, I would not continue to share my ideas in a public arena.
But these little sequin things--sharing my work and growing my nails--something complicatedly scary and something relatively simple sounding, are these little steps I've wanted to take for myself for so long. It's terrifying being in my mid-twenties and being around so many people that have their lives inching closer to where they want to be. I haven't felt anywhere near that point in a long time - if anything I've felt really, really far away. Yet, when I tell these people that I wish I had my shit figured out the way they do, each and every one of them--each and every one--has given me some sort of painful look with a furrowed brow, laughed nervously, and said I wish!
So that's why I've been forcing myself to sequin-out goals for myself lately. Little teeny, tiny goals that are attributes I'd like Dream Cass to possess. These things also include owning a yoga studio/cafe and fitting back into my old pants and shorts that are still much too tight on my (albeit shrinking) large body. But these things, I must remind myself, are far too vague. To be able to fit into these old clothes, I must commit myself to eating salad. To be a yoga studio owner, I must first get my certifications (something I've wanted desperately since I was 15), and in order to do that I must chaturanga daily. Salad. Surya Namaskar A. Sequins, y'all.
A few months ago I was chatting with one of my favorite classmates from college. I was telling her about my current situation. At the time, I was freshly out of school and the idea that I wouldn't be able to see my boyfriend every day made my stomach twist into knots (it still does, but in a different kind of way). It was late night, and I was in crisis mode. And that's when she told me this:
You will always be the girl I wish I had been. That might not make sense, but when you are older it will. So much love and joy is coming your way. Get ready, girl.I still don't quite understand what she meant, but I've thought about her words for months now. The decisions I've made this year have effected many parts of my future. And I am learning that the pain has only pushed me closer to this moment - sitting on my bed, up late before work, my fingernails clacking on the keyboard, getting ready to hit publish on my inner ramblings of the evening.
Namaste, dear friends.