19 March 2009

Fact: Every Cliche is True

I once had everything in the entire world.
But I never saw that I did. You never know what you have till it's gone. But my story is a bit different. Because I had all this stuff, but I was so caught up in trying to protect things that couldn't be protected, like my ego. I was trying to protect things that shouldn't need to be protected, because they already were, like my family. And I was still clinging to this HUGE misconception that things would stay the same forever, like my friends.

In high school I had a really hard time keeping friends. It was probably me, but I'd like to think it was all them. I'm not here to write about that time. Graduation is where it all began. I was going through the worst time in my life, or so I thought, when graduation rolled around, and I needed help. 3 amazing girls stuck by me, even when they didn't agree with me. They had my back, and they stayed there. This was a bond that I imagined would never be broken.

And we moved, and we talked that first year. But I was falling apart, and pushing everyone away, because I was dealing with something so deep and so painful that no one would ever be able to fathom what that was, so I just locked myself away. I built up walls, and excuses to go with those walls, and I didn't even know who or what I was running from. I didn't understand how I could tell someone who was so happy how truly unhappy I was. Maybe I just didn't understand the entire thing, and I didn't want to burden anyone with it.

I shouldn't have been an asshole. I should have opened my mouth.
I've learned that when you're going through an internal battle, it's best to let people know, otherwise they take it personally. I just assumed people knew me, and that they would understand when I didn't want to see them, but all they saw is what I now see: they saw me running from them, and clinging to my problems like my problems were all I had. Oh, but weren't they?

I thought I knew the answers, I thought I could save myself. I know no answers. I cannot save myself. So here it is, 2 years late: I'm scared shitless to grow up. I've learned that you can work 100 thousand hours a month, have 5 tests in one week, and go to 7 yoga classes in one day, and nothing, NOTHING can replace your best friends. Nothing fills the void of someone caring about you, of laughing with you or being dumb with you. Nothing ever will.

So if you're reading this and you feel the slightest notion to say It's about time that bitch finally woke up, you're 100% correct. I've woken up to realize that people change, but they still remain friends, as long as everyone changes together. And that's where I fucked up.

I'm sorry.

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