26 September 2010

Dealing with myself.

I can handle being by myself these days only if I have sufficient distraction, like a great book (Miranda July's, as previously mentioned and pictured) and a glass of wine or tea with honey.  I don't know when the shift happened, when I all of a sudden couldn't handle being by myself, but it must have happened in the past 6 months.
I never used to be this way--I used to be completely content by myself in solitude.  I used to get nervous and clammy being around people too much--I wasn't a hermit, but I definitely had a lot more alone time than free time.  I've changed...and I'm not entirely happy with this.
According to Steisand, "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world."  I happen to feel the complete opposite.  Because needing people, or a certain person, is difficult when they don't need you.  I'm referring to people in general.  And I'm not posting this as a complaint to the world, this isn't intended for anyone to read and be inspired to call me and be around me.  I mean to post this for no other reason but to announce to the world that I have officially become a person who needs people.  And I'm not content with loneliness anymore, in fact it might eat me alive, swallow me whole, drown me in silence.

Today I drove 2 hours south to Sacramento to go shopping.  Sacramento may not seem to be the most likely place to spend the day shopping, but Chico doesn't even have a Macy's.  (I never considered the luxury of having 5 Macy's within a 10 mile radius to my home in LA, and now I have to drive 86 miles to get to one.)  I was in pursuit of a dress to wear to my friend's wedding in a couple weeks.  I actually already had a dress that I wanted to wear, a really expensive and cute dress I bought for New Years a couple years ago.  Now that I am 15 pounds heavier than I was when I bought it, it doesn't come anywhere close to zipping.  So, a new dress was my mission today.   I couldn't find anyone who wasn't busy to tag along with me.  So it was a lonely day spent at a mall that was practically deserted, seeing as no one in Sacramento apparently wants to shop in 90 degrees on a Sunday.  I was quite unimpressed with our state's capital, to say the least.  But the dress I bought I am absolutely in love with, as pictured.

I feel exhausted being by myself for so long today, putting up with my various cravings for soda and snacks and trying on 150 dresses.  When I got home I was so happy to see my roommate and share a glass of wine with her and tell everything on my mind.

(I sound like a crazy person.  This is going to change.  I'll learn to be content with loneliness once more.  I'll learn to love myself again.)

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