22 September 2010

I am so much more than this.

I've been staying up way past any normal hours lately--till nearly dawn.  And waking up way too early.  And then napping during the day.  I'm stuck in a weird place in my life.  It's like the nighttime is the only time I can live freely--it's full of so much more potential than the daytime.  I can dream up the day ahead, I can think about the life I'm not quite living yet.  I am alone in my bed, in my room with my thoughts and my journals and my books and no one else.  There are no expectations to be met at 1:30 am.  At 1:30 pm, however, I'm expected to be in class discussing literature and short stories and be awake and alert and full of fuel.

What's eating Cassandra Lotus, you may be wondering?  A lot of things, things I won't go into specific details about.  To sum it up in a few brief words, I'm tired of my happiness being conditional, and I'm tired of that conditional happiness being dependent upon external forces, other people, whom I can't control.  Like I said, I won't go into specific details.  Uh-oh! Sounds like I need a heavy dose of reality mixed with a few lessons in "Hey, that's life" and finish it all off with some heavy prayer and meditation.  I'll spare you those details for the time being.  Instead, I'll let Vanessa Carlton do the talking, she sums it up in a small, cheesy capsule.

Namaste, fellow lovers.

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