30 December 2010

The Recognition of Daily Renewal.*

"It is a sea, every direction possible. And we rock, dinghies of splintery resistance." -Sandra Lampe
This happens every year at the end of the year.  Christmas and birthdays and summers can lose all their sparkle and magic for me, but something about the promise of a new year, or New Year, gets my heart racing.  I don't know how it does it, this changing over of years, which is just a progression of one day to another, really.  I always secretly think that a New Year means a New Me, a New Chance at Life.  And maybe I'll make a resolution or three: if you recall last year's resolution post you will remember that instead of a resolution, I resolved to delete my Facebook and communicate with people the old fashioned way.  I had hoped this would allow me to catch up on some long-overdue reading or writing (which it did to an extent).  But I also reactivated my FB account in April.  I'm not as out of control as I was last year with FB, I've learned to control it.  I guess this resolve was a success, at least until April.

Anyway.  I've been thinking a lot lately about the kind of person I am, and who I am shaping up to be.  I am going to be graduating from college in less than a year, entering the real world with my super weighty degree in English (ha), and I still am trying to figure out who I am and what I want for/in my life.  I know I'm not the only one here in this quest for inner and outer awareness, and a fusion of the two.  But it seems like I used to know myself and have a closer relationship with myself a few years ago than I do now--I was once so confident with myself and my decisions, now I feel terrified to enter an anonymous world as an anonymous person.

So I have decided to set some goals--realistic attainable ones that can be achieved on a challenging pathway.  These are things on my mental bucket list that I realize if I don't start checking off now, I will never achieve before I kick that bucket.

My goals for 2011 are as follows:

  1. Read the Bible, start to finish, in 365 days.  In the back of my Bible I found a reading list to get you through it in 365 days.  I hope to build an even deeper relationship with my homeboy JC.
  2. Journal once a day. Kind of my own personal form of therapy, but also a project I want to try this year.  365 days, 365 pages.  I want to catalog my year, record my memories and thoughts of the day--good and bad--so that maybe when I'm 80 I can look back on 2011 and recall with a sense of longing I cannot quite grasp now how much possibility lies before me.  I am in such an interesting position and chapter of my life, and maybe in the future I'll actually be able to understand (and not just feel) the weight of it all. 
  3. Love my body, and use it every way possible.  I once heard that your body is the most important tool you will ever own.  And I've been ashamed of the weight I've gained in adulthood and the yoga muscles that went to mush for far too long.  Solution?  Do whatever it takes to get myself to a place where I am no longer ashamed.  Yoga, gym, eating healthy.  I won't name specifics, mostly because I do not have them or cannot see them right now. But I am tired of living this way, hiding behind Stevie Nicks-insprired ensembles.  I want my yoga muscles back--so that means getting into a yoga routine.  
  4. Figure out this love business. You all know about my kayak.  I am so goddam tired of being on this sinking kayak, I'm tired of bailing out the water, making excuses for not leaving it behind and getting myself a dependable one, one I know I deserve, one that truly protects me.  So maybe it's time I really tried.  And if I get hurt again, I try harder.  In the words of Leona Lewis, "I don't care about all the pain in front of me, I just want to be happy."  And if this love business is not something to be figured out, maybe if I accept the mystery of it that will be okay too.  But this kayak sitch has got to change.  I don't want to be this broken girl anymore, because this isn't who I thought I was.
And I think this is a pretty heavy list.

*I wan to thank my follower Spuds (Carrying a Cat by the Tail) for his inspiration in coming up with my goals: "The recognition of daily renewal. I have four boys and two girls and whenever they turn eleven we've made our pilgrimage from wherever we may be in the world and I teach each one the same lessons. Renewal, or beginning again, takes more courage than staying on a course that you know is not right. I've learned that there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Keep searching. You'll find your answers the same way your writing has found its voice."  So thank you Spuds, and all of you Bleaders, for following, and listening (reading) to my rambles through life, my struggles through and for righteousness, and my quest for inner and outer awareness.  I promise to keep you updated in every way possible, hell maybe I'll turn my 365 pages into 365 posts--uncensored and all.  We'll see.

I wish everyone a safe and blessed New Year.  
Cassandra Lotus


  1. Here's to you! A digital toast to a great year focused on some lofty but worthwhile goals. XOXO

  2. Well I feel mighty special now! Ha! Thanks for the mention. Keep searchin', it's all in the search, Little Lady. And if you do yoga you should try Tai Chi, as well. I do it before my morning run everyday and I do my "sloppy" yoga after my run. My 8 year old daughter says I look like Kung Fu Panda when I do it, but it's all groovy! And if you're ever up to do a guest post over at the blog, just give me a shout! I've got some writing gigs coming up that are going to take me away for a bit and my site needs some "West Coast" to represent. Thanks again!


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