15 February 2011

Throw me a rope.

"I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you."  
-KT Tunstall
Life turns out to be like nothing I ever imagined it would. Nothing.  It's not like I even had a plan, like some do.  I just had visions and ideas for how I should be living at various periods throughout my life, things I collected in my heart, things I wished for.  I was once very dumb.
So it's time now to come clean about this kayak--and also leave it behind and swim ashore.
I fell in love.
If you couldn't tell from my crappy metaphor of the shore and the kayak and me drowning, it was all about love.  The truth is, I had never been in love before, never understood it.  I thought it would be this amazing event, this great thing that would change my life and my soul and make everything all okay.  Love did change me.  It morphed me and taught me and made me hungry.  It pointed out the famine that already existed inside me, it quenched me for a short period of time, and then it left me here.  I write this in the literal dark, the rain is pouring outside, I am every bit a walking cliche.
There was a boy, and I revealed parts of my heart and my soul to him that I had never even revealed to myself.  I fell in love with the easiness that our whatever-we-had brought forth.  And he consumed my every thought.
About a year ago was when it began.  I bought a journal around that time, one of those over-priced Paperblanks ones with a magnetic flap.  In one year it has been filled with over 60 entries, and 57 of those 60 are about this guy.  I wished for love many years ago, but I guess I left out that the feeling be mutual.

So anyway, I have bailed on this kayak.  It's been a painful process, and my heart still aches as I type this.  But it's something that has to be done, even if it means being alone a little longer, even if it means more pathetic posts like this one.  There is something deep within me, something gnawing and burning all at once.
I am a destroyed vessel, attempting to clean up the wreckage of my broken heart and dreams.

1 comment :

  1. You are living the human condition, friend. It's how we're made. "...for our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee."

    love you.


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