17 June 2012

23 Hard Truths I've Learned.

I turned 23 about a month ago, and it's really been hitting me hard. Not in an OMG-I'm-so-old-better-buy-all-the-pairs-of-Vans-I-can-and-see-the-world-before-I-die kind of hard. But a difficult-to-describe-and-come-to-terms-with kind of hard. Here's a list I've created. There are plenty more than 23, but maybe if I make it to 852 years old I'll be able to get it all out.

  1. I was never fat, but I am now. How the hell did this happen? I look back at photos of myself, ones taken only a couple years ago, and I can't believe I was ever self-conscious about my size! My body was so strong, so toned, my skin so soft. I look at my body now, and while it has had some recent traumas, I wonder if it still possesses the ability to be as healthy as it once was. (My new blog, LOTUSHEAD, will catalog my progress on this. Be patient.)
  2. Jerks will always be jerks. They will not change. No one can change them. But they make the good guys so much more worth it. I dated some real assholes before finding the amazing guy I'm with now. While I do regret how much time and effort I put into the past dudes that never came around to loving and caring for me in return, I don't regret the overall message they provided me with: you can't change people. 
  3. Some friends were easier to lose than others. A very hard truth. But some people it felt like pulling teeth to lose, while others (and surprisingly people I thought would be a lot more difficult to lose) it felt like a weight was lifted. 
  4. (And this goes hand-in-hand with No. 3) There is such thing as toxic people and toxic relationships. Realizing they are toxic is the most difficult part of the equation, but toxicity in a relationship or friendship doesn't last, doesn't work, and just isn't worth it.
  5. Forgetting and re-writing my moral codes and personal Constitution has been pretty regular. I hope this is normal, and not some sign that I'm a lost girl. But I've changed my ideas on so many things I always thought I was sure of. For example, and this is a really silly example, I used to hate the "c" word, hearing it would make me cringe. This sounds ridiculous, I know. But, as I've discovered, sometimes there are just no other ways to sum up a person. This applies to my codes on religion, to preferences in eating pork, and to thoughts on dreams.
  6. I should never depend on anyone else to make me happy. Plain and simple.
  7. Happiness starts within, and radiates outwards. I know this is really similar to No. 4, but they actually are symbiotic. This is something my therapist and I have been talking about for the last few weeks. There are things that make us happy temporarily: "happy pills," alcohol, a good meal, a few hours of great sex. But if your insides are all tangled and damaged, there is no breeding ground for healthy happiness. I'm working on my tangled insides, clearing out the weeds and re-mulching some healthy soil, and I know now that this is the only way to attain true happiness, whatever that means.
  8. Listening to your favorite song or album over and over again makes it lose its luster, and there is no way to recapture that magical feeling. It's taken me years to come to terms with this. Lately, I've solved this issue by listening to music with little-to-no lyrics in full discography lengths (see also: Deadmau5, Bassnectar, and Pretty Lights). 
  9. I really hate cardio. This isn't such a difficult or hard truth. Working out in a gym is probably one of the most torturous acts I can put myself through--I much rather prefer hiking or biking, but the 100+ degree summer days of Chico don't exactly allow for outdoor activities.
  10. My parents are getting older, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
  11. There is no such thing as the "right way." And because of this, there is no way to ever feel 100% sure about anything.  I've made some pretty big and small decisions so far this year, and I haven't been sure about any of them. I've learned this is the norm.
  12. Relationships don't have formulas. So comparing duration, communication, or anything else along those lines with someone else's relationship is stupid. What's right for us isn't right for everyone. 
  13. Being in love hasn't solved all of my problems. I'm still overweight, I'm still crazy. But he loves me, and I'm working through these issues.
  14. I have treated some people in my past so awful, and have not deserved their forgiveness. One of my best friends is a perfect example. I decided to make her life hell in high school. And when I came to my senses and started treating her like a human being again, she forgave me. Now I can't imagine my life without her. 
  15. Sometimes the only thing in the world that makes me feel better is my mom. I'm a big baby, that's no secret. And no matter how sad and old I get, my mom is always there to listen and soothe and hug me (even if it's over the phone).  
  16. A kitchen without a food processor is a sad kitchen. The most useful appliance. Ever. I make excuses to process things. And it only makes them taste better.
  17. Living away from the ocean makes me love it even more. I never was able to smell the ocean until I lived away from it for a few months. Last summer, I went to the beach everyday and took it for granted. Now when I come home to LA and stick my feet in the sand, I can actually feel the sand between my toes. When I open up a backpack and find sand in it, it makes me smile. When I bodysurf a wave in, I feel wonderful.
  18. Waiting for someone to text you back and getting mad when they don't is ridiculous. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I let it get to me from time to time. 
  19. Going back to school in this economy seems like the only smart idea. But I have my doubts about it everyday. Simply put: there are no jobs, and I want to continue to learn. I love my school. I want to go back. So there you go. 
  20. The Value Menu at Taco Bell isn't that great of a deal. This applies to any Value Menu at any fast food chain, really. But I have never ordered just one thing off the Value Menu. 89 cent tacos just gives me permission to order 5. 
  21. Facebook is a complete waste of time. Why did I just reactivate mine, you may ask? Because I deleted it and found other completely pointless things to do on the internet (except for my tumblr, that's the only useful thing I do on the internet). And because sometimes it just feels good to Facebook Stalk.
  22. Anxieties and fears from past relationships carry themselves over, even when they shouldn't. And it's stupid and it shouldn't but it does.
  23. Cats and dogs (but especially cats) make a home worth coming home to. My boyfriend works 5 days a week 2 hours away, so I'm alone in our apartment a lot. Coming home to my empty apartment without a furry animal (or human) to greet me makes me sad.

Cassandra Lotus

1 comment :

  1. Hey! Look at you! You're still blogging around!
    I like to go back through my reading list in between writing gigs and it's amazing how many have given up blogging in less than two years... wimps! All of them!
    And to top it off, it seems like you are taking on new perspectives and finding value in those things that have real value. It's the journey every writer has to take, unfortunately.
    I have a rule for my writing and it can be wrapped up in one of my favorite quotes, “Nobody offered me upon the Muses;
    I imposed on them…” (P. Goodman)
    As a freelance writer I have had to impose myself into the world of those around me. And while I thought it would be hard and emotionally difficult to write about destruction and war torn areas, I found the opposite to be true.

    Impose yourself upon the muses! Get out there and find the stories that no one wants to see but won't be able to look away from when you report it. You're young and unimposing and that makes people relax and open up regarding their stories.

    I love being a freelance writer! I love meeting and living with the invisible people all over the world. It may be something you find worthwhile, as well. It's not as glamorous as a successful author of fiction novels, but I like to think this is the type writing that can make a difference.


Tell me all your thoughts on cats.