09 July 2012

Disappointment of the Week: Kale Chips

I'm pretty sure my biggest enemy in my weight loss journey is and will always be snacking. I actually keep delaying this journey into weight loss because I keep shoveling crackers, chips, even croutons, into my mouth late at night (well, and because I'm lazy as shit). I can eat healthy all day long, but sometime between dinner and breakfast I turn into a starving wildebeest and crave everything carby, starchy, crunchy, and salty I can shove into my mouth. I've been known to eat an entire box of Wheat Thins or a bag of Popchips in one sitting. Bottom line: I needed to find an alternative if I want to get serious about losing 25 pounds this summer.

I've been reading all over the Internets that kale chips are the snack of the gods, sent to earth to relieve us of our potato chip binges (or some version of that). This guy is literally eating nothing but kale for the rest of his life, while this crazy lady claims that kale chips fulfill her cravings for Lay's Potato Chips.  So I decided today I would kick the unhealthy snacking binges and make some damn kale chips.

Kale chips are relatively idiot-proof, which is great for me because I've been known to mess up instant pudding. I looked on about 100 different websites and blogs and the general recipe is kale, olive oil, and salt at 350-400 for about 15 minutes. I bought organic kale for no other reason than the leaves were bigger and greener than the non-organic. But this kale was Organic with a capital O--we're talking so organic I found a big black bug and a green worm crawling around on the leaves (this totally freaked me out). Once I cleaned and tossed the leaves with olive oil and a little salt and popped those suckers in the oven, my kitchen started to smell like...well, I can only describe the smell as a Paula Deen fart (a deep, green, pungent odor).

The timer went off and my kale chips were done and I nervously held my kale chip in my mouth (as pictured). I can't quite describe my overall disappointment and frustration with my organic kale chips. They were crispy, I will give them that. But flaky...like eating seaweed (which I really love). But when the Internet sets you up on a blind date with kale and claims that it's going to kick your craving for a salty, crunchy potato chip and you arrive at your date and see that the eggplant hummus you bought for this special occasion is now rendered useless because the chip would break and chip and flake upon contact with the hummus, a girl like me gets a little disappointed.

I'm not saying I hate kale chips...but I won't be vowing to only eat kale for the rest of my life like that crazy asshole. Maybe they will grow on me. Maybe I will see (or taste) what everyone else does about this superfood. In the meantime, I will dream of the Wheat Thins and Popchips of yesterday.


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