30 September 2012

Today is a day I won't get back.

My dad turned 60 today. 
I’m in town to celebrate his birthday. I flew in early Friday morning and have to leave Tuesday morning and go back. I wasn’t excited to come home, I don’t know why. Maybe I just can’t get excited about anything anymore. Maybe I was afraid of what I would find at home. 
The truth is, I am an emotional wreck right now. I know you read that cliche’d “emotional wreck” and you think, okay, she’s just you know, had too much caffeine and is PMSing. No. This isn’t anything that it’s ever been. It’s something much deeper, much realer and riskier than it’s ever been. It’s something that’s truer than it’s ever been but feels all jumbled and makes no sense at the same time. It’s something that’s gnawing at my core, shaking my insides and rotting me. I don’t know how to say it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know how to fix myself, and I’m ruining the people around me. 
Like I said, I’m here for my dad. And we had a wonderful day together. We woke up and walked 7 miles around the beach and through the harbor. This is his walk every weekend, and I was winded. My feet ache, my legs are sore, I got sunburned. But it was nice having my dad and the ocean breeze and waves and salt as a back drop, it was nice being around my dad who lets me talk to him and offers both sides of advice to the equation. We came home and went with my mom to get tacos at this authentic Mexican food place. It was good, and then we came home and my uncles came over. 
My uncle just got diagnosed with cancer on his ear, and on Tuesday he is getting his ear removed. He jokes about it, but I know he’s scared. I gave him a hug and told him I would send good vibes his way when he left tonight.
We all went to eat at this amazing Italian restaurant that’s in a warehouse in this really ghetto neighborhood. Let me rephrase that, we went to eat dinner at this amazing Italian restaurant that happens to be in a weird ghetto part of town but is the most amazing and delicious food in the entire world. We had amazing conversations and food. 
But underlying every happy occasion sits this question, these questions, that I can’t answer for myself right now. The questions are so important, yet so heartbreakingly terrible to answer. They deal with moving on or staying, they deal with career choices and school options, they deal with beaches vs. rivers. I don’t know what to do besides ask people on the outside on what they would do—“Would you stay in grad school if you hated it?”, as a weak example—and the answers just come up as a general I’m-so-glad-I’m-not-you-right-now kinda reaction. I don’t want to have to be me right now, I don’t know how to make myself better without losing things I really really love. And I don’t know how to keep these things without ruining them. I don’t blame people for not wanting to be me right now. 
My dad is 60. He has a top-paying job, he has a wife and 3 cats and a dog. And all he’s ever wanted to do is go to Europe. He loves art and architecture and culture. And he tells me all the time that he wants to see Europe while he still has the ability to travel and walk and see. And I look at him, and I would give anything to be able to take him to Europe now, away from his stressful job and his physical therapy and early mornings spent at the gym, and I would love to take him to Europe. I want to go wine tasting through Spain and France, and see art and walk cobblestone streets. I want to go just so I can see the look on his face when he gets to the Louvre and sees the Mona Lisa. 
But I want so many other things for myself right now. I want to stop depending on everyone else for emotional support and making decisions. I want decisions to be clear and easy and not have to compromise for the things I love in life. I want to stop hurting and crying everyday. I’ve cried everyday for 7 months now. I want to stop. I want to stop. I want to stop.
I ordered pistachio gelato tonight. I shared it with my dad (and our entire table, really), and the look on his face was beautiful. The gelato was amazing, no other words to describe its magnificence. We came home and opened another bottle of wine and talked for a few hours about family and politics (my uncle is quite political), and it was nice. My dad is so special, so loving and kind and deserved to go to Europe on his 60th birthday, and instead I ask him to pay my rent and buy me plane tickets home. 
I’m here near the beach now. I closed my windows in my room because it’s too cold out, and I’m laying my childhood bed. I miss my boyfriend, but I’m such a wreck I ruin our conversations with my underlying anxieties. I’m ruining everything. I want to just sleep through the next week. I want to stop crying. I want my parents to live forever. I want to know who I am and have it not involve a crying maniac. I want a real job that pays my bills so I don’t have to spend my parents’ savings so I can live and go to school at a place I can’t figure out.
I want to be a writer and I want to not be crazy and I want to be okay for my family and friends and boyfriend and pull myself together and be my old self and I don’t know how and I’m scared I won’t figure out how and this is all going to spiral out of sequence and end in catastrophe and I don’t know what to do. 

1 comment :

  1. First of all, I just want to say that I hear you - you are heard. I acknowledge these things you have shared and recognize the raw truth and reality of them. Thank you for sharing this painful stuff.

    For what it's worth, I think the answer lies in the title of your blog: pursue righteousness. The trick is, whose? Whose righteousness? You have worn yourself ragged pursuing a righteousness of your own, for yourself. It has stripped you bare. There is only One who is righteous, only One who can hold these things without breaking, who can bear to be fully human without being crushed by the weight of it. Pursue Him, and find peace my sweet friend.

    Love you.


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